3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My dad just said "fuck circus"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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