please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dear god my vagina.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
