god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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