she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
