Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
