I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
