its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
