I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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