I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
