Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
