This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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