dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
