im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
