I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
