Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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