Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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