You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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