that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
