Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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