Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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