If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
