I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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