I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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