if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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