i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
