...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
