I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
