Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize