I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize