matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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