just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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