I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
