tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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