paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
