if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
