sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
