i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
