can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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