I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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