So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
