Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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