If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
