i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Randomize
