when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
