Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
