hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Randomize
