i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
