Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize