My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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