I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Green mimosas i think yes
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
