We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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