I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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