Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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