FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize