dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
