No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
