I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
