i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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